How To Say What You Really Mean (Without Saying What You Really Mean)

Everyone knew this political race was going to get slimy and gross and increasingly disgusting as it progressed. So many of you, and of my real life friends and peers said — watch — they’ll go after Michelle Obama next. And I believed that. Michelle Obama is an opinionated and outspoken woman, her senior college thesis caused controversy, and she’s made some statements that have called her (and consequently. her husband’s) patriotism into question. Twisted or not, statements like that are fair game when you’re speaking out on the campaign trail. What I have a real, serious problem with, is the tone that is emerging here.

First, Fox News ACTUALLY RAN WITH the “terrorist fist jab” “terrorist fist jab” non-story that I was giggling about about here just recently.

Then this morning I got an e mail from an astute reader, pointing me to this article on Salon, about a recent interview segment on Fox News. Yes, y’all, Fox News is referring to Michelle Obama as “Obama’s Baby Mama.”

Hold UP. Wait a minute.

I find it impossible to believe that nobody at Fox News knows what a baby mama is. They know exactly the message they’re trying to not-so-subtly send, by using urban slang that their viewers are most likely unfamiliar with. By definition, a baby mama is an unwed mother, often used as a dismissive reference. For example, “Oh, she’s just his baby mama.” It’s inaccurate, completely inappropriate, and sadly unsurprising from the channel that describes itself as “fair and balanced.” In fact, if Fox wanted to accurately describe Michelle Obama while using the Urban Dictionary, they could have called her his “wifey.” But why would they do that — “wifey” doesn’t rhyme like Obama and mama does, and more importantly, it doesn’t have that insinuation of illegitimacy.

You all know that I’m not a Fox News viewer, so please correct me if I’m wrong, or ignorant, or reacting out of turn. Let me know if they’ve gone after Cindy McCain with the same kind of venom, if they’ve reported anything about that recent, heartbreaking interview with John McCain’s first wife Carol featured in Britain’s Daily Mail, or slapped any kind of dismissive label on her, or disparaged her character. Just guessing — I don’t think they have. The whole thing makes me wonder, isn’t this campaign supposed to be about the candidates? And y’know, the issues that are affecting America? Are wives and families fair play on the campaign trail? I don’t think it’s right, and I’d love to hear your opinion on that.

Sometimes I really question why I wade into these treacherous political waters. The more I write about the Obamas, the more nasty comments I start getting… just today, someone posted a negative comment on my Michelle Obama Afrobella of the Week post (written in August of last year, mind you). I don’t believe in censuring dissenting opinions, so feel free to tell me why my blog is “inane,” or to criticize my views because they don’t jibe with yours in whatever way you see fit. But when I see something that pisses me off, I’m gonna shout about it. And if Fox News referring to Michelle Obama as a “baby mama” bothers you and you want to shout about it, shout over here — yourcomments@foxnews.com. Or you can call and leave a comment: 1-888-369-4762. Or you can click here for Fox News questions or comments.

In the meantime, I’m going back to what this blog’s s’posed to be about — beauty and music and positive vibrations. My blog heroine Gina of What About Our Daughters just started the Michelle Obama Watch, so give her a visit and send her your tips. AND Gina’s covering the Democratic National Convention! Big things a gwan for WAOD, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

If you have honest questions about anything regarding Barack or Michelle Obama, click here to visit their new Fight the Smears website.

What are your views on this baby mama drama, bellas and fellas? Does it make you angry, or are you numb to this kind of thing by now?

Afrobella Asks You — Hair Help for Little Dreads

Awwww. Look at this poor little guy. His mama has written me with an Ask Afrobella question that leaves me at a loss. Maybe you bellas out there can help? Here goes…

HELP!!!

msscmoore

Oh, Msscmoore, I wish I had a definite answer for you… but I don’t. My own knowledge of lice goes little past a disturbing South Park episode. But, I DID Google this issue, and found this helpful link from MyDreadlocks.com, which suggests natural remedies, like soaking locks in coconut oil and well, “nit picking.” Also, visit Lice 911 for an all natural solution that hopefully won’t alter his hair texture any further.

This EHow article about preventing lice suggests rosemary and tea tree oil, and also has some obvious suggestions (#1, avoid anyone who has head lice. THANKS, EHow, VERY helpful), and some downright scary info — for example, #3 — “Seats with fabric on them, like the seats in most theaters, are the worst offenders for spreading lice. If you see small white specks on the top part of the seat, don’t sit there. Even brushing them off may not get the lice eggs off the fabric.” Whaaaaaa? How have I never heard that before? Oh, I am taking a little flashlight with me to the movies from now on!

That’s all I gleaned from my Googling, Msscmoore. I wish I could really KNOW what helps, but that’s the best I can do. I’d say don’t cut them off yet — try the info on those links and please keep me posted. And now, bellas — I turn to you. Got any suggestions for msscmoore and her adorable little boy?

911 is a Joke

You know, I’d like to see the next president take a serious look at the justice system in this country — from officers and employees at the bottom of the totem pole, all the way through the courtrooms and the prison system.

Please watch this video.

If you can’t see video at your computer, click here for a transcript.

I just saw this on CNN, and it made me nauseous. If you can’t turn to 911 in case of a dire emergency, if an operator could utter those words — who else can you turn to? What can we do? And just firing one employee doesn’t quite cut it, in my opinion. I think this reveals a much larger issue within the system.

I can’t wait to hear what you bellas think about this one. It got me all kinds of fired up.

Giveaway Glitch

Heavy sigh. OK, here goes. I love doing Afrobella giveaways, and I try to host them as often as I can. Most of the time, they go extremely well — I review a product I like and I think is worth your attention, end my post with an offer for you lovely bellas to win one of your own, comments flow in, I choose some at random, contact you, send info to the PR, you get a lovely free package in your mailbox shortly thereafter. It’s all good. But there have been some occasional disruptions in the giveaway procedure.

Sometimes I’ll hear from a winner months after the prizes have been sent out, who then says she never recieved her prize. Then I have to contact the PR to ask why, and it gets tricky from there on out. I’ve had some people up and disappear on me, or just shrug their shoulders and say they sent it and don’t know what happened. At that point, there’s nothing I can do except feel bad.

Being a beauty blogger who hosts regular giveaways involves a relationship of trust between myself and the product people, and also myself and you, the reader and giveaway contest enterer. If I don’t hear from you after you’ve gotten your item, I won’t know if you liked it, hated it, or never got it. Or got something you really, really weren’t supposed to. Let me tell you a funny, frustrating story with a super happy ending.

For my birthday, I hosted a Creme of Nature giveaway. Got lots of awesome birthday wishes, came back, chose winners, everyone’s happy, right? Then a month later, I heard from one of the winners. Roshanne. Thank you so much for writing, Roshanne!

She says in part:

“I am emailing to ask you about the contents of the giveaway… Ive gone completely natural and just yesterday i was fed up with my hair and thought about getting a relaxer and saying forget it…..

So today when i opened my box there was a relaxer kit in the box along with a bottle of shampoo..and conditioner….lol…I was like wow is this a sign….but seriously after this long and drawn out email were we suppose to get a relaxer in the giveaway i dont remember..”

OK. Imagine your reaction, if you were me — a beauty blogger with a website called AFRObella, entirely dedicated to preserving and loving natural hair. And a package containing a complimentary box of creamy crack is being sent out on your behalf. OMFG, as the Gossip Girl fans say. I was aghast. Horrified. I immediately wrote back to tell her, NO — this is SO NOT a sign, and I would never ever have asked the company to do that. “Stay strong, girl,” I told her. Sell that stuff on Ebay, or give it to a friend who uses relaxer, whatever you need to do.

Then I e mailed the PR, the lovely Angela, and asked her — did all TEN winners get this additional item in their giveaway package? It took her about a week to get back to me with the answer. Yes. OMFG.

And to think, I would never have known unless one of the winners actually wrote back to thank me and to ask — why the relaxer, Afrobella? Oh jeez.

I am pleased to report, after lots and lots of e mails back and forth, Angela set up a conference call for me, her, and Shawn Tollerson, the VP of Marketing for Creme of Nature. Shawn explained that it was just an oversight, they were trying to just give the readers even more of the products the company has to offer. As it turns out, some are afrobella-friendly, others aren’t. And they just wrapped up a big ol’ package and sent it out without catering to natural hair needs. Shawn was hilarious. She said, “I give you my humblest and most sincere apology. I myself am a natural woman, and my children are natural. When I found out what happened, I was like aaaaaaah! Patrice is gonna kill me!!” She made me laugh out loud. So we talked and talked, and figured out how we’re all going to make this giveaway glitch right.

First things first, the original winners are being sent a brand new Creme of Nature gift pack, which includes the products I like the most — soothing shampoo for dry hair and flaky scalp. the lemongrass and rosemary leave in creme conditioner, and my favorite of all, the red clover and aloe daily breakage relief.

And secondly, for 25 more of you lucky Afrobella readers, we’re offering another chance at a Creme of Nature giveaway. All you need to do is write a comment below that begins by saying, “Pick me, Bella!” And tell me what Afrobella giveaway you’d like to see in the future! As you can tell, I’m trying my best behind the scenes to get you all some of my favorite beauty products out there.

** edited at 6:37 p.m. — I’ll close these comments on Tuesday and pick winners next week!

Happy Friday!

** edited again Tuesday morning, at 8:05 — 155 comments! Whew. I’ve now officially closed entries for this giveaway. You’ve given me a whole lot to read, bellas! Thank you! My goal is to post winners by Friday.

A Random Musing On Political Wives Caught In Scandal

We’ve seen it so many times recently, the shamed politico addresses a legion of reporters, and flashbulbs pop as he admits to his adulterous crimes. As he steadfastly apologizes into the camera, a figure stands off to the side. Cowed by the lens, the blinding flashbulbs, and millions of judgmental eyes, there stands the wife — there to shield her husband from the glare.

Suzanne Craig donned sunglasses to stand by her man as he denied playing footsie in the men’s room, Dina McGreevey gave a tight smile as she shared the stage with her husband when he came out of the closet before millions (psst, she’s written a book about it all). Wendy Vitter got her hair done and wore a sexy dress to stand by her hooker-loving husband, and Carlita Kilpatrick held her man’s hand and remarked, “it is very difficult for me to talk to you at this moment,” as she stared into the screen. “I am angry, I am hurt, I am disappointed - but there is no question that I love my husband,” then she said “this private matter is between me, my husband, and God.”

I respectfully disagree. I know where Mrs. Kilpatrick is coming from, believe me. I’ve see the grevious wounds infidelity can leave on a relationship at extremely close range. The neighbors whisper. The eyes of the community are on you. Everyone knows your deepest hurt. Your self-esteem shatters into a million fragments. It really is a time for privacy, introspection, and communication between the husband and wife. But, by taking public office and presenting themselves as these ultimate family men, these philandering politicians have put their business on front street. By ignoring their responsibilities to the communities they represent and destroying the sanctity of their marriages, then addressing the onlooking public with their wives by their side; they’ve helped to create an additional public spectacle.
Whenever it happens, I can’t help but stare at the wife’s face. It’s always the picture of internal agony — mouth tight, eyes cast downward and probably shining with unshed tears. I don’t know how they do it. I just know I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Seriously, if that was me and that mofo tried to ask me to stand beside him at a press conference, he better expect a barrage of cusswords. I’d be like, don’t even dare come around to ask me to stand next to you right now. Much less on television. Go to hell, you pathetic bastard.

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Political Propaganda (It Needs to Stop)

I got an e mail last week that really pissed me off. Allow me to vent.

I’m on the mailing list of this peace-love-and-Buddha place, and normally their e mails are about things like yoga classes and reiki sessions. But this one had an atypical subject line. It read “Muslims in England!” and there was only a sentence or so of actual text.

“Remember - Mr. Barack Obama was born and is a practicing Muslim when you view these pictures,” it read. And the photos were of Muslim protesters in London immediately following the offensive cartoon debacle, holding frightening signs that threatened to bring jihad, a new holocaust, and horrific terrorist acts to European soil.

So this hippie love-thy-neighbor business is sending out e mails comparing one of the Democratic front runners to incensed fundamentalist terrorists, and using all of the arguments that have been roundly debunked by Snopes and About.com’s urban Legends page. Sending these e mails out to hundreds of people on their mass media list. I couldn’t frickin’ believe what I was seeing.

I was so annoyed, I went against my better judgment. See, when I get intentionally irritating e mails or messages, my friend Melissa appears on my shoulder like a little angel, and repeats her mantra, “take the high road.” I swear, she got me through a masters degree just with that phrase. But I saw red. And decided to reply. Mind you, this happened before the debate where Obama addressed this exact matter — click here for video of that.

I sent the e mail’s originator a CNN link that addresses the madrassa rumors that Obama’s detractors have been spreading, and I said simply, as a member of your listserv and a member of the media, I don’t think these are the kinds of messages I want to receive from you. I got a reply that I will quote from, so excuse the misspelling.

“Unfortunately he will be looked as a muslim, simplye becuase of his earlier schooling, radical or not, it is what it is.”

I sent back a longer response.

See, growing up in the multicultural place where I did, we had plenty of Muslim friends. Some of the sweetest, nicest, most considerate, and generous people I’ve known in my life give praises to Allah. In fact, I remember in 1990 after the attempted coup in Trinidad, our neighbor and close family friend, a staunch Muslim, was shattered by the incident. He feared that people would begin to hate and judge his whole family, and assume they were like the radicals in the Jamaat al Muslimeen. I was eleven when this happened, and the experience taught me at an early age that there are fundamentalists and extremists in any religion (even my own), and people of all creeds and cultures will perform horrific acts “in the name of God.” So that ignorant statement, “radical or not, it is what it is,” REALLY pissed me off. Especially considering the source.

I replied to this person and tried to keep my cool. I told them that there ARE peaceful Muslim people who are horrified by the terror that extremists have created in the name of their religion. Just like there are Christian people who completely disagree with their fundamentalist peers. And it really makes me depressed that the people who are spreading these kinds of messages aren’t actually looking at what Barack Obama is trying to say or represent — they are desperately trying to paint this portrait of him as some kind of possible terrorist, and drum up negativity by any means necessary. And that’s wrong.

Well allow me to quote from the response I got, that ignited the flame in my belly to write this post to begin with.

“Ok - I know what your saying. Don’t get me wrong - I like the guy, but somehow, I feel like he has a hidden agenda… When I see his body language, I feel his cockiness and his arrogance. Furthermore, I think the hungry one is his wife. She came across to me as being arrogant but more importantly vicious. I wouldn’t be surprised if she put him up to become a candidate…well her and Oprah. LOL.”

OK, deep breath.

Continue reading »

Beyond Tacky

Yesterday I noticed that many of the top gossip sites — TMZ- Extra TV, Perez, Oh No They Didn’t — all posted the audio recording of the 911 call made by Dr. Donda West’s friends just before her death. How disgustingly tacky, I thought. Why would anyone even do such a thing, I wondered.

I read the comments on those posts — I don’t really feel like linking to them, it’s too depressing. If you really, really want to hear more about this phone call, Google it yourself. On every blog I visited, the readers almost unanimously agreed that it was horrific and wrong to share this as though it was merely gossip. How tragic that this woman’s death is still such a salacious story in the media. How unnecessary and morbid and just generally f’d up it was that this phone call was being posted online. People were asking the gossip sites to take the posts down.

So imagine my reaction as this morning, I’m in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher, CNN Headline News blaring in the background… and I hear that the 911 phone call is one of the “top stories” on CNN. Really, CNN? Am I alone in thinking, WTF? How is this a top story? On CNN, no less — a channel I turn to for news about the war in Iraq, politics, and y’know, NEWS? I don’t quite get it. I noticed that as of yesterday, black gossip blogs pretty much seem to have left this story alone out of respect for Kanye and the memory of his mother. I know it’s common practice to release 911 phone calls to the public, and Dr. West was a public figure. But I honestly don’t understand why her final moments and the desperate attempts to resuscitate her should be the lead story on the most prominent news channel. The whole thing has me irritated, shook, and seriously questioning what defines news and good taste nowadays.

What do you guys think?

What Would You Do?

I read this story on Bossip, and I was struck on so many levels. Jill Scott tells the story of a recent racist encounter.

“I was waiting outside for the valet to bring the car round, and these … I say kids, but they must have been 25, looking wealthy, five-o’clock-in-the-morning wasted. And this guy’s saying, ‘Step back nigger, step back nigger.’ He’s saying it like it’s a song, but there’s nobody out there but me. I was taken aback, and I said, ‘Excuse me?’

And he said, ‘Shut your mouth and don’t say a word when a white man is talking.’

“I’m not kidding. I started laughing, and I followed him and his cohorts through the parking lot laughing hysterically, and they became more and more uncomfortable. It was one of the best moments of outrageous laughter I’ve had. To think for one moment I could possibly fit into that box … I am so far from that word that it is funny. They looked so uncomfortable; I wanted to emasculate him, to make sure he was getting no nookie that night. The girls sobered up and were looking scared. It was something else - the first time in my life I’ve been called that. Wow. But I enjoyed it. You must fight back; it’s imperative. I like the fight in me now.”

You can read the complete interview here.

I like the fight in Jill, too. The story just reinforces my belief that I could never understand the mindset of a racist. That anyone could look at a proud, strong black person and think those thoughts - even worse, actually utter such despicable words - totally blows my mind. It’s just crazy to me that some people still actually believe that the color of their skin gives them any kind of superiority over others. In 2007! It’s just so completely ludicrous.

Like Jill Scott, I have had an extraordinarily charmed life in this regard. Growing up in a country where people of color were the decided majority, then moving to a city that’s a kind of multicultural melting pot, I can honestly say that I haven’t experienced the particular sting of personally directed verbal racism. Miami isn’t exactly the part of Florida where you’re likely to experience something like that - gotta drive up north a bit, I reckon.

The racism I’ve experienced thus far has been more subtle. I get it in the form of baleful glares, insanely ignorant questions and comments (you speak english so well!), and deliberate exclusion. I’ve had people try to make me feel less-than by their actions, but I’ve never had someone dare try to do that with words. And honestly, I’m not exactly sure how I’d react to that.

We’ve come such a long way from the days of civil rights. It wasn’t that long ago at all that white people openly, brazenly calling black people “niggers” was more than commonplace. Back then, there wasn’t an option for response. It wasn’t that long ago when there were segregrated restrooms (hello, Tyson Chicken plant in 2005). What seems so antiquated, so ridiculous, so distant from today’s generation is but a recent memory for some of our older relatives. The statement of this entitled, ignorant, wasted white boy — “Shut your mouth and don’t say a word when a white man is talking,” might have successfully shut my ancestors into silence. In 2007, it’s like a joke — like, wait a minute. You didn’t just seriously say that to me. You’re kidding, right? You better be. Oh, it’s on now.

I’d like to think I’d have grace and presence of mind like Jill did, to simply laugh the racist into shame. But them’s fighting words. Most likely, I’d bust a good old-fashioned Trini cussing on him and escalate the situation. Or worse, I’d be so shocked I wouldn’t know what to say, the moment would pass, and I’d spend the rest of the evening pissed off at myself, coming up with perfectly phrased emasculating comebacks.

Have you ever had someone come at you with that kind of racism before? How did you handle it? How would you respond to Jill Scott’s situation?

In Defense of Diana

I normally leave the celebrity gossip to the experts, but I spotted this photo of the one and only Miss Diana Ross over at DListed (photo courtesy of Wenn), and I felt compelled to comment.

The hilarious dude at DListed declares, “Diana Ross needs to behead whatever queen did her make-up.”

So harsh! Of course I can see the flaws - don’t get me started on the unblended streaks of blush, y’all know how I feel. But I think the slightly-gray paleness of her face (which really becomes apparent when you look at her neck and shoulders) can be attributed to too much mineral makeup. There but for the grace of God, go I.

There’s been many a time where I’ve gone too far in the “I need to be matte” direction, and it took a particular photo of me to make me realize how much I was overdoing it with my beloved Philosophy. The makeup I wore made me look so washed out, and I thought I looked amazing. Too much foundation can do that to a girl. I’ve actually been searching for a new mineral foundation - I love the coverage and ease of it, but too much can definitely make for an unfortunate Kabuki look.

I’ve learned somewhat from my experience — to avoid taking photos like Diana’s, make sure you have the RIGHT shade of foundation, apply your makeup in lots of natural light and blend, blend, blend. And as always, less is more. These days, I often just use foundation to cover my blemishes.

Other than the makeup excess, I think Diana looks gorgeous. Her hair is glossy and pretty, and I adore that shade of purple. And please let the record show, I personally love over-the-top drag queen makeup when it’s done right. I found this video of Diana looking stunning, alongside a towering icon of drag fabulousity, RuPaul. The song? I Will Survive, honey.

Diana looks fly, Ru looks fierce, and the crowd is drinking it all up. Love it!

What’s been your mineral makeup experience, bellas? I’m still liking the Philosophy for now, but my inner product junkie thinks I need something that’s a better match for my skin tone. Any recommendations for me and Miss Ross?

More Drama At Glamour

After the original Glamour magazine incident, yours truly was contacted with a letter of apology, which I chose to hold off on. (They sent the same apology to lots of other righteously pissed off bloggers, and you can read it here at Ask This Black Woman).

I responded politely to the editors, and they wrote back in a friendly and hey, we really like your blog, interested in Afrobella manner. I’ll keep it real with y’all — I’m a professional writer and editor. So honestly, I’ve held longstanding hopes and dreams of someday working with a magazine of Glamour’s caliber. I thought someone like me could be a valuable contributor to their publication. Not sure anymore, in the wake of all this anti-afro business. And especially following the latest fallout. Heavy sigh. OK, here we go, delving back into this hair drama.

Page Six ran a tidbit about the blow-up inside the Glamour offices. Which was followed by a pithy response by Gawker, elaborating that everyone at the magazine hated the now-fired, Glamour editor in question, Ashley Baker. Oh wait, later in the afternoon Gawker ran another bit, explaining that everyone actually loved the now-fired Ashley Baker. OK. Then Gawker’s sister blog Jezebel (which I read almost daily and really enjoy) posts this “lay off, you guys — she really isn’t racist” response. Jezebel, I love you. But you need more people. And reading these Ashley Baker is really a cool chick posts does nothing to diminish the sting of what she actually said — which you can read here.
All of this back-and-forthing does nothing to address the root of the issue. Maybe she’s a really nice, well-meaning gal. But that doesn’t change the fact that what Ashley Baker said was racist, ignorant, and according to so many of you who have commented and e mailed me about this issue, completely wrong. There are proudly natural black women who are well respected doctors, lawyers, bankers, and professors. There are women rocking these quote-unquote political hairstyles on television and (for example, yesterday’s Afrobella of the Month), hosting popular radio programs. We’re here, we’re proudly wearing the hair God gave us, get used to it.
The whole story makes me tired. Tired that the offices of Glamour magazine seem to be like so many other backbiting BS corporate environments. Tired that hair like mine is still an issue to be debated by people who will never understand or identify with me. Tired of the same old outdated standards of beauty that are continually shoved down our collective throats.

What say you, bellas?

** edited on Wednesday October 10 at 8:22 a.m. – Jezebel editor Dodai offers an interesting personal perspective that I think is worth a read.