I keep an open mind and an open heart in general, and I hope you all know — readers of all ethnicities, hair textures, beliefs, and genders are welcomed warmly here at Afrobella. I think we can all learn from and support each other. I certainly learned alot in trying to answer this Ask Afrobella question, which truly came as a surprise. Here goes.
Hi Afrobella,
Firstly, I really like your site. Secondly, I have a question. Although I was born physically male, I feel that I am actually a girl, and next year in school I am going to be presenting in role as a girl. As part of this, I think that it would be a good idea for me to change my hairstyle; although it is currently androgynous, I feel that a new hairstyle would emphasize the fact that “this is who I am now”. My hair is very thick and curly, and I find it very difficult to take care of, so I normally just tie it back into an afropuff.
I want to know what my options are for a more obviously feminine hairstyle that wouldn’t break the bank. I’ve attached a picture so that you can see how it looks at the moment. Finally, can I request that you don’t publish this message on your site. At least, not my name and picture, as I’m sure you can understand that this is a sensitive issue and I’m not entirely out yet.
Thankyou
C
And C sent a photo which is absolutely so adorable. I wish I could share — but I can’t, so I’ll describe. C has a glorious, big head of hair that he wears pulled back in a puff, and the texture looks to be around a 3c/4a.
Let me just state off the bat, I immediately contacted C to let him know that I was down to answer his Ask Afrobella question, and I was happy to hear from him as a reader. And he wrote back the sweetest thing — “I really appreciate that you’re so enthusiastic; after all, I could have sent an email to a closet bigot – unlikely, based on the content of your website, but you never know. So, thankyou for being so lovely in your answer – it really makes me feel good that a complete stranger can be so understanding.”
It is my pleasure and privilege, C. Growing up in the Caribbean and having more than a few gay relatives and friends — most notably, Bruno, who I sincerely miss — made me realize in no uncertain terms how big and important a decision coming out can be. It certainly isn’t an easy road — on either side of the path you’re going to find people who are judging you and criticizing you, and often making life harder for you than it should be. Sometimes these people will be your relatives, or your friends, schoolmates, or co-workers. As the beauty blogger you’ve contacted with such a big question — it is my responsibility to find the best possible answer for you, and I’m gonna do just that.
If you happen to be a homophobic reader, you might as well stop reading right now — this post is all love.
C’s question was too big for me to answer alone. I turned to two friends of mine, with opinions I trust.
First of all, there’s Larramy, master of the DevaCurl curl cut. Larramy’s initial response was “Oh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Not because he doesn’t understand what you’re feeling, C — he does. He just wants to make sure you’ve really thought out this decision, the pros, the cons, the potential effects and ramifications. Larramy wanted to make sure that you are planning to express your burgeoning femininity for the right reasons. Not for shock value, or to make a statement you aren’t fully ready to make. Now, let’s talk hair.
I actually filmed a little clip for your viewing pleasure, but let’s just say… I’m having technical difficulties. This will be my first of hopefully many little YouTube interviews, so… arrgh. Oh wait, here goes!
Why is my voice so bass-heavy in the beginning there? I have no idea. Le sigh. But hooray for my first YouTube clip ever!
That’s Larramy’s two cents strictly from the hair perspective — embrace your curls, and through trial and error, try to find out which products work best for you. I had asked C what products he currently used, and he said this: “I’m currently a bit sporadic in hair product use, as, as I said, I find my hair very difficult to take care of, and often don’t have the energy to do anything special with it. I currently have a bottle of “Sta-Sof-Fro Curl Activator Cream” which I will use to try and increase manageability, but I’m not sure whether it actually does anything. When washing my hair, I’ll just use whatever shampoo is in the shower – at the moment, that’s “head and shoulders classic clean” and something by Tresemmé.”
Hmm. So first things first, try out some new hair products and figure out what works with your mixed texture. Obviously, the Sta Sof Fro isn’t cutting it. Right? I must say, the products that Larramy loves the best, DevaCurl, could be great for your texture. The first time I tried One Condition, I was blown away by how soft and manageable my hair was. But C, since you might not be able to afford pricey hair products from overseas, I encourage you to just visit your local drugstore, beauty supply store, or healthy grocery, and look carefully at the ingredients of the products. Don’t shampoo your hair too often, try to do conditioner washes instead. Educate yourself about what your hair texture needs. Become familiar with Anita Grant’s products, and check out Motown Girl, she’s an incredible resource for natural hair recipes and tips. Find some cool headbands that help you show off your features more — you’ve got gorgeous skin and amazing eyebrows, C!
And my advice at the end of that clip that got cut off is, is make some phone calls, be proactive, and find the right hairdresser for you. Larramy gets me, we have fun while he’s doing my hair, and he made me realize how pretty natural, curly hair can really be. BUT — and this is a big but — finding THE hairdresser takes time, and it takes trial and error. I definitely don’t think walking in to any strip mall salon off the street with such an important question is the way to go. Look online for neighborhood salons that specialize in black or mixed race hair textures, and call them up to ask questions. Larramy expressed particular concern that not every salon is going to be welcoming to your needs as a client, C. But eventually, you’ll find the perfect person who will help you to shape your fro to its most fabulous effect.
I wanted to make sure I answered C’s question right both in terms of hair, and in terms of the crossover gender issues. Obviously I can’t fully relate to his experience, so I sought out advice from friends of mine who have more insight. One older gentleman friend of mine urged me to tell C to visit the school counselor to talk about his plans before making a drastic image change. I also think this is a good idea — I can’t tell you how much my school counselor helped me when I was a teenager.
I got a really open response from my homie Dan Renzi, who some of you may remember from back in the day on The Real World, Miami (and quite a few subsequent reality forays). Nowadays Dan has an amazing blog, and he’s editor of the Express Gay News! Dan’s an outspoken, smart, tell-it-like-it-is kind of guy. His advice for you is honest and real:
“Let me just say one thing: if you’re not “entirely out,” and you don’t want your photo to be published on a BEAUTY BLOG, which is probably the most supportive audience you could ask for, then you are not ready to pull a full turnabout and go to school as a girl. You think they won’t notice you, when you are suddenly walking around with breasts?
I empathize with how uncomfortable you may be in your own skin; but your skin needs to get a little thicker before you can cope with the malicious taunts of your high school student body. They probably make your life tough now as it is, but things can always get worse. I don’t have any statistics handy, but I have read lots of articles on students filing suit against their school boards because they were physically abused, and the schools felt they were “asking for it” by being out. Some kids have a much easier time, of course, but if you’re nervous about coming out now, that says a lot. Kids operate in a pack mentality, and if they sense even the slightest lack of confidence, they will eat you alive and lick the blood off their lips.
You are lovely in the photo, so you just keep doing what you’re doing, and wait until you are able to protect yourself better. You can stick it out just for a little while longer. And when you are ready…you’re going to get attention no matter what you do. Do you really want to be one of those sad trannies with bad wig, ugly shoes, and a face full of Maybelline? No. I say, go for big afro twists, so your hair is off the face, to show yourself off.”
Thanks, Dan! I agree — twists would look great on you, C. And when you’ve found the hairdresser for you, that’s a brilliant idea.
I hope that we all together somehow helped to answer your question C, and I hope that the advice given here will be taken in the spirit in which it’s meant — warm, honest, and real. Like Larramy said, you’ve got your own path to go on and figure out, and you’ll probably encounter confusion and prejudice along the way. I wish you good luck, and I definitely think talking to a school counselor or trusted teacher is a good idea.
I realize not all of you bellas might agree with the answer that I’ve offered to this reader. I definitely don’t always have answers, and I try the best that I can to respond to each question I get. If you’ve got additional advice that might be helpful to C, please leave it in the comments. If you think I should have answered this question differently, please let me know what I could have done better. I love to hear from you, and I love an open dialogue.
Kudos for being so open, A-Bella!
Bella,this is why Afrobella is my favorite site.You have a heart as big as the moon,and anybody can come to you with any question in the world knowing that some way,and some how you will try to help.I honestly don’t know what to say to this young person except follow your heart,and do you.
I felt you addressed C’s question wonderfully and to get others to comment as well who understand the descion C. is making is right on the money.
I’m a sistah on a serious beauty budget. I found a line of products called Cantu shea butter products. I started using their Cantu Shea butter leave in conditioner repair creme. It makes my hair soft and feel good. It’s cost about five dollar and some change from the store I got it. That is great product for C to use and doesn’t require a lot of cash.
Their website is:cantusheasoft.com
C, I wish you all the best.
Hey Bella! This is my first reply ever!!! Going to a stylist can be a traumatic experience even when you aren’t dealing with gender issues. My best advice, go with the twists and learn to twist your lovely locs yourself.
I have been my own personal stylist since the beginning of my natural journey. Manipulating my locs myself has given me the utmost respect and love for my “nappy (gorgeous) hair”. When I was tired of the perms and the constant breakage, I cut it all off to the scalp and rocked a fade for a number of months. When it grew back, I rocked the fro! Once it grew long enough, I began to twist it myself.
I have been lovely loc’d for around 18 months and receive compliments on them daily. I still continue to do them myself, because in my mind, no other person can comprehend the struggle, horrors, hate, and pain I have endured as a black woman with hair (plus, I really like to touch it). Maintaining my locs (is not only cost effective) but it’s 2 hours when it’s all about me, for me.
So, C, I did digress, sorry! This site is a wonderful resource of products to use and insights from folks of all backgrounds and their crowning glory. You mind set is the most essential ingredient to the recipe you chose to create! (I think that makes sense….too much Food network)
Great post, Afrobella, and exactly why I subscribe to your blog! I assumed that you would refer to C. as she or s/he. Interesting that you took the ‘he’ perspective.
Further thoughts from someone who started by using whatever was in the shower. I think if you’re mixed w/o much guidance, you need a clear-cut recipe to start. And from reading C’s comments, it might be good to just breakdown everything into 3 ez steps.
1) ONLY shampoo once a week w/ a light shampoo (like drugstore Creme of Nature, Pantene, or Alba to start)
2) condition ends everyday in the shower and comb conditioner through with wide-tooth comb (in the shower). Rinse lightly (start with drugstore Nexxus or Pantene)
3) quickly towel dry and smooth in a product or two with your fingers.
try different products to see what works. Some miracle products:
-Food Grade Pure coconut oil (you may have to warm in your hand) from the grocery store or Afro/Caribbean market
– Miss Jessies Curly Pudding (unscented, though pricey has been my miracle product)
-Mixed Chicks new line of products for men might be the ticket in C’s case.
The main divisions I’ve seen are-
Do you need oils?
Can your hair take a daily gel?
Do you need a cream or leave-in conditioner?
The biggest mistake I’ve seen with mixed kids with hair more on the Afro side is the daily gel with alcohols that dries everything out. It sounds like C may be on the oil or cream side, in which case coconut oil could be the ticket.
So nice that you took the time to answers this kids question. children need guidance in all areas even style. No matter what the situation and or circumstance is we have to be supportive of our children. Adolescents can be a very hard road to travel in anyone’s life. Good Luck to You C! and Good Job Bella!
Just my two cents, but I have found that towel drying is not your friend. It can make it frizzy and rough up the cuticle. Squeeze as much water out of your hair as you can before you get out of the shower, then put a towel around your neck and squeeze out some more. If you must use a towel, just kind of blot your hair with it.
Where to begin? This is a complex post. I agree with Dan that this youngster may not be ready for the change he’s about to undergo. Then again, it’s summer now and there’s no better time to explore a new identity away from the prying eyes of school mates. Ironically, I was recently inspired by seeing a woman’s loosely curled afro, certain that her style will also work on a guy. I don’t want twists, and anything I can do to spice up the coarse and shapeless sponge on my head will do. I didn’t know you were on the ‘Tube now. I hope it’s the first of many videos to come. I detected no bass in your voice, but I must confess that I expected a Caribbean accent! That quick flash of you in the mirror was a hoot.
Bebroma has a point about towel drying. In my case, I’m simply sick of seeing my curly strands trapped in terry cloth. Laundry day can be hell!
Maybe he can get a cut that is unisex. He could fem it up if he wants or be more butch. The only thing that I can think of is the mohawk. The one the guy from Noah’s arc (spainish looking guy) or Michael Jai White’s hair in Tyler Perry’s Why Did I get married. I think that look would work for both sexes.
i`d suggest twists too or cornrows, perhaps and a break from the harsh products c uses currently. there are some really good drugstore brands and some really goood reviews at nappturality.com or boots.com. I´d also suggest anitas grants products (iam d áccord with you, bella:-)), i have a 3c with b parts and her stuff is doing wonders for my hair and it is absolutely worth the price because a little goes a really long way…
and for going to school as a girl…. hmmm, i agree with Mr. Renzi….and to build a support group around you, may this be parents(hopefullly), friends, counselors and everybody who can be with you on your way.
c… i wish you all the best
Quick question: when C said “school”, was that high school or college? Sometimes people (like me, from the South) simply say school when referring to college, especially when the speaker fresh out of high school.
Definitely co-signing on the Motown Girl idea. Also, remember to only style/use product on WET hair. Maybe he can try simple ingredients first, like basic oils (shea, coconut, jojoba – which is actually a wax) and/or aloe. I like the 3-step approach mentioned above. Don’t forget about a good cheapie: Cream of Nature shampoos.
Best of luck C! Major, major undertakings…being transgendered is a big deal and probably, in this day and time, more difficult than being homosexual I’m assuming, so take your time. Like others have said, try to find a support group or something for others who may be dealing with the same thing. Teen years are rough as a lot of people have expressed, so feeling like you’re in the wrong frame, must be incredibly difficult.You do have a lot of things to figure out for yourself, so PRAY on it.
On the hair tip, like others have mentioned, two really good online resources are: http://www.motowngirl.com and http://www.nappturality.com. They are great sites! Lots of information on how to handle your hair, style it, natural items you can use on it, what you shouldn’t use, etc. I’ve been natural since 2005, but only found those sites in fall of 2007. They are really useful. I think you’ll be pleased with the informatiion you find on them.
To Bebroma and Afrobello ~
I’ve been using microfiber towels, and they are a lot more gentle on the hair than terry cloth. I do not rub the towel through my hair the old-school way (I squeeze section by section to get out as much water as I can), but I’ve noticed a lot less hair in my towel than before.
What is a microfiber towel?
I so wish I could recommend locks for C (I absolutely love mine and have total freedom); but, it doesn’t sound like they’ll hold. I agree that a *good* stylist should be able to serve as a sounding board.
Great post afrobella, and really great advice here in the comments–proceed slowly and take time to think about it all–from A to Z–before making such a huge, life-altering transition… Make sure the mind is ready–then go for the body. Good luck to C!
BTW, Sebastian makes an awesome product called “Potion 9” that just might help with those manageability issues. LOVE the stuff! Last time I checked, you can get it at the drug store.
Afrobella you are the b e s t! Okay so these are my thoughts:
I agree about the microfiber towel. I don’t have one so I use a t-shirt, and since our hair can be so prone to frizz and breakage I have noticed more manageability since blotting with a t-shirt.
A twist out can work so well, and to fem it up try a headband or scarf. I do it all the time.
C, are you familiar with B. Scott? Check out http://www.Lovebscott.com and his Youtube channel. B Scott is an openly gay man who is so understanding and open and has a great heart. He has a big following in both the GLBTG and straight communities. I think he would be a great resource in some of the non-hair choices you are facing. He has also just recently started a social network Double Kisses that is growing more and more everyday (just like with going natural sometimes you just need to know you’re not alone). Check him out, email him with your concerns. He is also mixed so he tries many different styles that may work for your hair type as well.
I really hope that helps.
bella, i have no choice but to recommend LHCF. even if C does not join, there are so many great posts, ideas, haircare tips, product suggestions and more that it would be cruel of me to not say anything.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=6 (link to the main hair discussion)
good luck with whatever you decide, C!
Great advice Bella. I agree that finding a stylist you like and who gets you and your hair is important.
C good luck to you. It’s hard to stand out and it’s true kids can be very cruel at times. People fear what they don’t understand. Is there a group or club at your school or in your town that you can join? Having some moral support will help.
I’ve got tears in my eyes and warm bubbly feelings in my heart. Thank you, Afrobella!
Afrobella you are a darling! C, all the best. It’s great that you want to express who you really are. I know you’ll get negative reactions, but make sure that you hang out with supportive people as much as possible, both in person and virtually in the blogosphere. All the best.
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for being receptive and wonderful, and thanks for your kind words about me. C already wrote back and said all of these responses have been helpful and he plans to leave a comment of his own soon. (Africalive, I was confused whether to use he or she or s/he, but I think because C hasn’t transitioned fully yet, he would be the safest bet).
Your tips for C were so great — I definitely DEFINITELY second the Nappturality and Long Hair Care Forum suggestions, both sites are the foremost resources — by natural bellas for natural bellas, and full of honest reviews and experiences that cover the gamut of hair textures. NOW — I gotta write about microfiber towels!
Afrobella your sensitivity and understand to this youngsters questions were on target. Not only did you address the hair issues you took the time to delve deeper into the bigger coming out issue. I totally agree w/ Dan ( so happy to hear that he has a blog – loved him on tv) – it would be wise to wait to come out if he is in high school because his peers will definitely make his live so much harder – better to wait until he is out of high school.
Great topic!
I was so worried when I posted this — I know I have more than a few Christian readers and I was very concerned that someone would jump into the comments and start quoting Biblical passages to me and C about his decision and feelings. But thankfully, I have the sweetest, most supportive readers in the world. Love you bellas (and bellos =) ) for being so great.
I think the twists are a great idea and I was going to mention B.Scott but someone beat me to it!!!
I hope this young one can feel the love coming to them from all over the country!
Thank you for being so brave…both of you.
Can I just say, hair aside (which I suspect is going to be just gorgeous), that if C feels “that I am actually a girl,” shouldn’t we use feminine pronouns to talk about her? It’s another really simple way of normalizing C’s chosen gender.
And Afrobella–and your readers–you all rock.
and you have more than a few muslim readers too. however, ones religious beliefs and practices (christian, muslim or otherwise) don’t automatically make one a scripture-quoting bigot incapable of empathizing with C. i hope C finds the support that C seeks. and i have to agree with tamra…locks are always a great choice.
I think that you, Larramy, and Dan all gave C wonderful advice about hair and even better advice about coming out.
muslimahlocs, co-signing with ya. thanks.
Wow. You did an amazing job of answering this question. You’re fabulous. 🙂
C, best of luck to you.
First off, good luck C!
Secondly, while its completely up to your hair texture whether it will work, I and a giant bunch of my curly-haired friends use Special Effects Curl Boosting products. The gel type product is really think and works pretty well, and they have a wax thingy that works too. Again, best of luck!
Wonderful post, it really touched my heart.
Plus, Dan’s comments made me laugh.
let’s not forget you guys. C is a female, genetically male, but female nonetheless. i think C would prefer to be called a she (idk tho, maybe she doesn’t mind, but i have friends in the same position). the great thing about afro puffs and 3c/4a hair, is that it IS androdgenous, and you can see men and women rocking the same style. you don’t need an overtly female style, honey you ARE female!! guys and girls rock long hair and everything, it’s just based on preference, right? Rock the hairstyle YOU want to rock okay?? look in magazines and see one you like, then take that to the hair salon. there are many websites like lhcf (long hair care forum) and stuff like that which will help you with maintenance and stuff, also agazine articles too. overall, be the girl you wanna be, but don’t overdo it. you dont need to prove to anyone that you are a female. you know it, and that’s enough. and let the haters say whatever, being true to yourself is better than living in a lie. carry pepper spray and tell the school if things get violent too. i’m proud of you, don’t b scared, it can be done!!! my friends and i are rooting for you C!!!
C, I applaud your decision to be who you wanna be. I can not possibly put myself in your position but having had many friends who’ve come out to me, family and other friends, it helps to have a support system. I wish you all the support and love that you deserve, no matter what you decide. As for Afrobella and the other readers, you all are so great. The outpouring of support is wonderful. I just wish people in general could be more compassionate.
I think that it was very nice of you to help C out. I understand what he is going through. I had a cousin (RIP TIM) that was going through the same phase. He was openly gay though, but got tired of being picked on. So he wanted to become Temesha. He wore all kind of wigs. I think he took a few of mine. Then once he grew his hair, oooo it was so beautiful. It went great for his long eyelashes. Then as the years went by, he embrace the fact that he was a gay male and went back to living as a male.
This post made me cry. I have an online friend who opened up to me and I messed it up. She explained that she felt her being a female was a mistake and she feels she was meant to be a man. I called her a gay and she got really upset with me and said it was a mistake telling me.
🙁 I apologized to her but it was too late. I didn’t mean to offend but I did. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.
C, best of luck to you. Whatever you decide to do,take your time hon. And twistouts would be a great look on you.
Bella, you are such a sweet and amazing person. You truly are.
When you talk to Ms. C again, suggest to her that she email or PM Mr. B Scott over there on youtube. He is a “nappy”, he’s biracial and highly androgenous (though his hair is more on the feminine side.) Maybe he can help her when it comes to styles. B Scott’s hair is always fabulous and most importantly, healthy.
Wow. There’s so much here to respond to.
First of all, thankyou, Afrobella, for being so wonderful in your response, and dedicating the time to doing this.
Secondly, the hair advice is all excellent, and I will definitely be trying/following/etc. it as I get time.
Now for the other stuff.
As some commenters have said, I really would prefer it if I were referred to using female pronouns. I see myself as a girl. Therefore it’s difficult for me to read/ hear something calling me ‘he’ and apply it to myself.
The “Am I really ready?” question. Well, yes. I’ve dealt with this for 6 years of secondary school (I’m going into upper sixth in September. Not sure what year that is in American terms, but I’m 17). I know that I’ll be happier presenting how I want to be, whatever the outcome. I am ready for this. However, to be honest, I’m not sure that there will be any problems. Since emailing Afrobella the first time, I’ve come out completely in my school. Everyone there knows now, and everyone is incredibly supportive. People have been curious, but not hostile (“Go C!!” – My school is, thankfully, not one where I’ll need pepper spray, but thanks for the advice).
As for why I didn’t want my photo/name published. Well, my full name (not Chia) is quite rare, so any references to me on the internet are therefore fairly easy to find.
Whilst I would never want to be “stealth”, I also want to be in control of who knows my medical history. Dan asked “You think they won’t notice you, when you are suddenly walking around with breasts?”. No, I’m not that naïve, but at the same time, do you go around saying “Hi, I’m Dan, I’m gay.”?
I don’t really know why I didn’t want my photograph published. Just being in the closet mindset for so long, I suppose. Old habits die hard. Then again, it’s not as if a photograph can be searched for in the same way as a name. By all means, Afrobella, publish it. It might be helpful for people to see where I’m coming from.
There was a lot that I wanted to cover here, so I might have forgotten something, but I’ll post it if I have.
Again, thanks, to everyone, for your support and advice.
Chia (C)
All that news you have mentioned are really helpful and also they help you in many ways. I do agree that these type of above, there’s something news about adolescents and you can findout more issues at http://4adolescents.com/blog
Very informative, thank you. I’ve been blogging on and off for almost 3 years, but have never had much of a focus – I tend to just write about whatever is on my mind when I feel like writing.
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